What Fools These Shippers Be!
by The Illustrious Crackpot
Summary: Please don't hurt me. It's all in good fun.


**What Fools These Shippers Be!**

(The Illustrious Crackpot)

As he stood across from the mysterious stranger in his base, Zim's crimson eyes softened. He had always thought it wrong for Irkens to love, even to contemplate any emotions besides vengeance, but she had proved him wrong. That Irken, her antennae so shapely, her bright blue eyes piercing to his soul, had changed him. Without hesitation, without even a twitch, Zim grasped her delicate hands, leaned forwards and pressed his lips to hers.

"Zim...Zim loves you," he murmured.

He broke away to see what reaction this might have on the Irken, but instead of the shock or pleasure he had hoped to see, the Irken's eyes were flashing. "LOVE?!" she cried, snatching her hands out of his. "You've GOT to be _kidding_ me!"

Zim's own hands fell limply to his sides. "Heh?" he asked confusedly, antennae drooping. The other Irken stuck out her tongue and hurriedly wiped her mouth, spitting off to the side.

"THIS is how you feel?!?!" she screamed, her voice octaves higher than he'd ever heard it. "Almighty Irk, what kind of sicko _are_ you? I'm your DAUGHTER!!!"

Zim reeled backwards like he'd just been punched in the face, actually landing flat on his back on the tiled floor. "I—WHAAAAAAAA?!?!!?!?" he cried, scrambling to his feet. "My—wha—but, but HOW—"

His base's door slammed open and Tak fizzled into existence, her purple eyes blazing with rage. "How DARE you, ZIM!" she shouted accusatorily, spider legs extending from her Pak to raise her high above Zim's head as she glared down at him. "YOU _cheated_ on me with OUR CHILD! Our child, which we _made_ even though it was FORBIDDEN, _AS WELL AS **ANATOMICALLY IMPOSSIBLE!**_"

"YOU'RE LYING!" Zim screamed, his mind racing with utter confusion as he pointed up at Tak. "ZIM would remember doing _that_ with **TAK!**" He paused for a second and thought this over, then resumed his pose. "Yes, YES I _WOULD!_"

The first female's eyes narrowed, and she glared up at him. "I _knew_ it," she hissed, her voice beginning to sound more familiar. "I _knew_ you were unfaithful. I **KNEW** IT! _That's_ why I went undercover to find **OUT!**" Grasping the top of her pale green head, the female tore the skin off—and it was revealed that it had been merely a mask, hiding GAZ'S face, eyes wide open with fury as she stalked towards Zim. "I'm SORRY I ever LIKED you, ZIM!" she spat.

"Heh—wheh—gyeh—" Zim spluttered, lost for words as both females advanced menacingly. He backpedaled furiously, trying to get away without turning his back to them. However, just as he was backed up into a corner, something dark dropped in between him and the girls.

"DON'T WORRY, ZIM, _I'LL_ STAND BY YOU!" proclaimed the slightly congested voice of a human child as Zim jumped to see _Dib_ shielding him. The boy gripped Zim's shoulders and hugged him tightly, his scythelike hair nearly lopping off the Irken's head. "After chasing you for so long, Zim, I've realized that I **LOVE** aliens! _I love you, Ziiiiiiim!!!_"

"GAAAAAH!" cried Zim, struggling desperately to separate himself from Dib. "Earth—stink—overpowering...so—_wrong!!_"

At last, screaming, Zim extricated himself from the boy's embrace and bolted towards the door. However, before he could throw himself at the doorknob, something small and silvery launched itself at him and tackled him to the floor. "I LURVSES YOOOOOU, MASTAH!" GIR squealed, rubbing his head in Zim's chest and crushing the Irken's squeedlyspooch with his bouncing motions. "I LURVSES YOOOOOU!!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!" Kicking out wildly, Zim sent the tiny robot flying into the wall and scuttled to his feet, continuing towards the door. Just then, though, two very tall and nearly identical shapes suddenly moved in and blocked his way.

"We _never_ HATED you, Zim," said Tallest Red, grinning creepily with his eyes slightly unfocused.

Tallest Purple held his arms out towards the tiny Irken. "We're your LEEEEEADERS, Zim," he coaxed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" This time, Zim merely threw himself at the window, wincing at the feel of broken glass as he tumbled through the bushes and onto his front lawn. He tried to deploy his spider legs, but it wasn't _working_. His Pak wasn't responding! Twisting around in panic, he noticed two sets of sallow, clawlike fingers gripping his Pak, and he looked horrifiedly up into the face of Ms. Bitters.

"Take _me_ to the underground classrooms, Zim," she croaked in a thin voice, causing Zim to scream again. He managed to shove the demonic teacher away and, forsaking the spider legs altogether, sprinted down the street and around the corner. But something was wrong. Everything was _red_, with lava spurting everywhere and huge masses of fangirls arising from deep craters within the earth! Zim screamed loudly, screaming for so long that his voice melted, dissolved, and the cries emanated not just from him, but from another human, from a man sometimes falsely known as Yonehn Vaahsqueeze—

"**GAAAAAAAAAH!!!**" cried the author, sitting bolt upright in bed. Crackpot panted a little, looking around from side to side and waiting for a pounding heartbeat to subside to a more relaxing tempo. With a sigh and some trepidation, the author slumped back down in bed and pulled the covers as far up as they would go.

"_Will mankind learn in time?_"


End file.
